666: The Number One Beast - A Tribute To Iron Maiden

666: The Number One Beast - A Tribute To Iron Maiden

Every once in a great while, some critic will review an album and decide upon themselves that a particular disc is not good, that it has no redeeming quality whatsoever and that the CD only takes up space on a shelf. I always thought it was a sad thing to see. And then I bought this album.

This is, without question, the most unnecessary album I’ve EVER heard!

It’s unmitigated crap! Honestly, what was the POINT in making this album?! You have a singer like Steve Overland who takes every single word and tries to make it into some half-assed opera production, accentuating every word as if it’s life or death. To make matters worst, the guitars are mediocre at best on his tracks, and then solos are pure crap.

Paul Di'anno is the only redeeming factor on Volume 1. He only tackles the material done during his stint with Maiden, and the re-recordings of “Wrathchild” and “Iron Maiden” are incredbile.

But the rest of the 2-Volume set (also sold separately, to double your pain and steal your cash) is pure, unmitigated shit! It plays less as a tribute to Iron Maiden and more as a cheap cash-grab attempt by artists in bands no one gave two-shits about in the 80's (save Paul) and calling it a “Tribute”! It is a simply horrid album! Honestly, it’s... it’s just the worst damn album I’ve heard in my entire life, and I’ve listened to “Soundtrack to Your Escape” by In Flames!

1 out of 10, ONLY because of those 2 tracks by Paul saved it.

Hirax - Not Dead Yet

Hirax - Not Dead Yet

There are 3 types of people who like Hirax: Their friends and family, “metal hipsters”, or people who simply say they like an artist just because no one else does, thus making that band “cool” and those who don’t like it “lame” and have “no taste in metal”.

But the final group are the poor, misguided idiots who, for some reason, like Hirax. These are most likely the same people who went through high school in the 80's always trying to be the “cool, metal kid”. They had the hair, the vest, the look... but they had the shittiest taste in metal! Hirax is the band the symbolizes all of that into one album of sheer, unrelenting shit.

I got this album for 2 reasons. The first was because I heard their name tossed around a lot in metal circles, and the second was because they had an album cover done by Pushead. And I have to say, that cover kicks all sorts of ass! Too bad the music it contains is anything BUT!

The main appeal of this band and album is that it was one of the earliest cross-over albums to exist, taking metal, punk, and hardcore together and making something. I would say “good”, but it isn’t. The best way I can put it is this: Imagine D.R.I.’s insane playing style mixed with the style of Joey-era Anthrax. The idea of putting soaring vocals over a D.R.I. song is enough to give some fans enough joy to live happily.

Essentially, that’s what this album is, but with one major flaw; The vocals are shit! No, no, that’s not it. It’s more like they don’t know how to place the vocals right with the music! Instead of getting what could have been an awesome record, your left with an album that is nothing more than a ball of shit. Imagine a ball of shit. Now imagine a really angry bug stuck in that ball, trying to get out. That’s the amount of an impact and frustration this album is to listen to.

Despite the horrible mess the vocals are, the rest of the band is actually in decent shape. The guitar work, especially on the later part of the disc (the EP) is incredibly well-done. It's just the vocals that destroy the album, and it's a sheer shame. That's the bug, and the vocals are the shit.

By the time they get to the “Hate, Fear and Power” disc, the album is pretty much dead. “The Plague” is the best track out of the entire disc, and the only one worth your time. Keep the cover and throw away the CD.

0.1 out of 10. Pure shit!

Strapping Young Lad – City

Strapping Young Lad – City

It is hard to think of an album more worthy of praise than this disc. Not only did Devin Townsend secure his final line-up for the band on this album, but he forever earned his reputation as the musical genius of metal. While other metal guitarists and artists are more than happy to list that their inspiration came from other metal acts, it's the like of Townsend that name the classical composers of the 1880's as his heroes.

City is a masterpiece in every since of the word. For those of you not familiar with what the word is supposed to mean, it's very simple; a Masterpiece, or Masterwork, is suppose to be the very embodiment of everything an artist has learned put into one piece. If one wanted to, Leonardo's “The Last Supper” could be considered just that thanks to his use of technique and as it was, in essence, everything he knew and learned and pioneered thanks to his genius.

In that same vein, City by Strapping Young Lad is just that; It is THE embodiment of everything that Devin Townsend is capable of.

If there was ever any album that could be called the very portrait of anger and rage, this is it. There is, and never again will be, something that could describe the very anger and rage that goes through the mind of a person in the history of music. Devin Townsend himself has bi-polar disorder. While others would say he “suffers” from it, it's quite the contrary; It has done nothing, in terms of his art, but to act as the single greatest driving force possible. I have known people who have that disorder; I, myself, suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.). I may have Bi-Polar, too, which wouldn't be too surprising.

Without question, this is the most dangerous album ever recorded.

City opens with “Velvet Kevorkian”, the Deceleration of Independence according to Devin. It states in simple terms that he is sick and tired of it all and he wants more from life, his art, and his future. It's followed up by “All Hail the New Flesh”, the musical embodiment of the previous track. It is an insanely complex song that sounds like he is has actually recorded an anxiety attack with a metal band! It ends with a temper with pulsing drums and Devin screaming, “I want it all! I want it all! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”; the very sound of anger itself, put on record!

“Oh My Fucking God” starts out as manic as you can get; Devin starts out with a relatively clam scream, leading into a non-stop verbal rant about modern society. This gives way later on to a fierce battle of guitars with Devin snarling like a man possessed, leading way to an intense drum blast that must have clocked close to the speed of sound! Soon, they are over-lapped with a chant of “la-la-la-la” over and over again, getting louder and louder and louder until it's enough to... yes, you have finally reached a point beyond anger and into insanity, greeted simply with yelling “Oh My Fucking God”.

“Detox” works just like that. You've been plunged into the world where you now have taken something, drugs, alcohol... something, anything to kill the pain and anger you were just feeling. The song leaves you feeling better than you came. You finally awaken half-way through this song wondering just how you got to the place you came to, feeling paranoid that your looking like an ass in some manner, only to return to the state you cam from. But your still thankful for the experience.

“Home Nucleonics” acts as the cry against all mankind; a “Fuck the world, I hope you all die” kind of sense. Your left feeling insanely angry, warning everyone not to get in your way. The song is essentially written from the perspective of a rouge robot in a future world. “AAA” is an intensely personal song about... well, we can only assume it was written from personal perspective, though I am not one to take 100% belief in it in this case.

“Underneath the Waves” returns you the intensely pissed off Devy that you met earlier. It is Devin screaming in frustration at how nothing is happening. “Tired of Waiting/Tired of Trying/Tired of Waiting/ For Fucking Nothing”, screams the chorus at the top of it's lungs! The guitars chug underneath, giving the cries even more presence.

“Spirituality” is the calmest of all and the perfect closer. It could possibly reveal that the entire album was written from the perspective of some robot, some experiment pondering it's existence, wondering if there is more to it's life than what it's seen. Something I think we can all relate to.

The album is incredibly powerful. Maybe that's why there's a diagram of a bomb on the front. It has the same power, the same intensity.

It deserves no less than a 10 out of 10.

Buy this album, damn it!

Kreator- Enemy of God

Kreator- Enemy of God

There's something I want to point out: This album came out Janauary 11, 2005. That's my 20th Birthday! WHOO-HOO! I didn't even know who Kreator was then, but one listen to this album a few months later... Well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

This is a tough review to write because it's just damn close to something that doesn't seem to be explained. As I write this, it's widely is considered to be a masterpiece, and possibly the greatest Kreator album ever recorded. But why? Why is this true? Because the title track alone makes this album a must-have. What better way to kick off an album than with a thunderous assult of guitars and drums, all the while screaming "Enemy of God" at the top of every chorus? The song is even catchy, if you can believe that!

This album is mostly politcal, something not new to this German-Thrash outfit. And, yes, that was the cheesiest thing I could write, but it's 100% true, they're not afraid of political subject matter. That is plainly evident on "Suicide Terrorist" where they cut down to size the ego and ideologically behind what a suicide terrorist is and does. "Voices Of The Dead", "Impossible Brutality", and "Under A Totally Blackened Sky" deals with war, each one giving a harsh view on the futilities of it. "Murder Fantasies" is exactly as it seems; Someone dealing with their emotions on how they wish someone was dead.

I know this review is a bit thin, so let me try to explain why exactly you should get it; This album takes the same thrash metal started 20 years ago and takes it to the new millennium. The production on this album is just incredible, and the writing is top-notch. It's a remarkable experience to hear this band and this album. Admitedly, there are some moments that seem to just sit there, but the album just has a remarkable flow to it!

4.2 out of 5.

Discharge - Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing

Discharge - Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing

What makes an album perfect? What makes an album do something that no album you have experinced do to you that none other has done before? It's impossible to explain, and it's impossible to pinpoint. But in what I consider to be over 8 years of REALLY listening to music, this is the first time that instead of saying, "I Want to Do something" because of the music, I actually DID something.

If this album doesn't make you do something violent, your not human!

Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing is as violent an album you will EVER hear! Yes, you have groups like Hatebreed, Terror, and Nile out there pushing the boundries of extrme music, but none of them have that same punch in comparisson to the rawness of this album. The riffs are simple but forceful, the drums simply just beat the living shit out of you, and the vocals simply tear your skin off! It's like going dtraight into a insanely nasty war! The lyrics are fiercly political, relying on anti-politics, anti-war, anti-human, even! It's not hard to see why this band influenced groups like Anthrax and Metallica, resulting in both doing covers from this album. The loud, distorted guitars tearing away at the world. It is simply insane.

The standout moment on this album is the combination of "Cries For Help" leading into "The Possibility of Life's Destruction". Dealing with the threat of a nuclear war, it isn't exactly cliche; Instead of some pointless drivle of a 5-minute song going on about how the world will die in a nuclear conflict, it instead uses something much more powerful! It invokes the same reaction as did Lyndon Johnson's 1964 Political Ad where the "images of a cute little girl counting daisy petals give way to those of a nuclear blast countdown in this still-haunting commercial from Lyndon Johnson." That line was taken from the AllPolitics archive on the subject, but I think it works well here. The impact is exactly the same, and that is the best example of what type of album you have.

5 out of 5. 'Nuff Said.

NOW BUY THE FUCKING THING! IT'S ONLY $12!

Metallica - Creeping Death-Jump In The Fire CD EP

Metallica - Creeping Death-Jump In The Fire CD EP

OK, this is a bit of a cheat: This isn't an album, it's 2 singles, and it's officially released as the "Creeping Death" single that happens to include the "Jump in the Fire" single. But for the sake of argument, we'll call it the "Creeping Death EP".

That said, I'm not only lucky to have this, but I'm glad I listened to it.

The average metal fan most likely owns every single Metallica album. Or, at the very least, all the one's they did up to The Black Album. We tend to take them for granted, giving them a listen once in a blue moon. It may have been the starting point for most of us, but it doesn't mean we listen to them every single day.

This EP basically reminds you why Metallica is considered legends; Because they know how to write damn good songs!

A quick listen to the opener, "Creeping Death", is refreshing; There is a warmth to the EP that you won't find on the album, one that I can't truly describe. But within the CD format of this EP, the song takes on a new life! The furious guitar intro, the venous tongue of Jame Hetfield, Lars Drums, Cliff Burton's Bass, Kirk's insane solo... They're all the hallmarks of this song.

Following up are the covers of "Am I Evil?" by Diamond Head and "Blitzkrieg" by Blitzkrieg. The recording levels of both songs differ, with the later being louder than the former. It's interesting to hear them on the EP for no other reason then to reflect upon how people 20 years ago must have felt when they heard this when it first came out. But the intensity, the skilled playing... all of it is there.

The main feeling of the entire EP is just a nice warm feeling that you wouldn't normally find on a CD. It isn't something that can be described easily; it boils down to what people must feel when they compare the sound of vinyl to CD. But this was made in a wonderful time, before when even CD's made today had the high-gloss digital-sheen. The feeling of Vinyl can be found here, and it is beautiful. By the time "Jump in the Fire" comes on, it feels like 1983 again!

The last two tracks, "Seek & Destroy" and "Phantom Lord", were alternative studio takes over-dubbed with a crowd, but they sound incredible! It's about as close to hearing a hi-fi version of them playing live in 1983 as you may get.

All in all, great EP!

4.5 out of 5!

Wednesday 13 - Fang Bang

Wednesday 13 - Fang Bang

It is incredibly safe to say that I am a fairly big fan of Wednesday 13. I started out with The Murderdolls, then I bought his Frankenstein Drag Queen from Planet 13 box set. I also have Transylvania 90210, which was his first solo album. After some 12 years of Wednesday 13 playing horror-inspired punk, ascending past The Misfits into a neon-goth quasi-S&M extravaganza, and in a good way. Unfortunately, it seems he is no longer happy just creating brilliant albums of horror-punk shtick, but he now wants to breach the mainstream. This is an odd statement to make; If you follow his career or his music, he has always had a nack for writing some incredible hooks and lyrics.

Sadly, it seems Wednesday 13 now wants the mainstream to accept him, and the result is semi-painful. He is one of those artists that tends to create the same album over and over again, but in a good way. This time, we see that he is now relying on more "easy-listening" fair than his normal punk flair; In fact, it is hard to find a single classic rock song until you reach "Till Death Do Us Party", the 9th track on the album. The album closer is a cover of "Burn The Flames" by Rocky Ericson done to a pretty nice level.

It borders on downright dull at times, with the only saving grace being Wednesday 13's lyrics. "And now we're on the run / And you know we're having so much fun / Being American werewolves in London". At least with lyrics like that you can chuckle.
2.7 out of 5.

Darkthrone - The Cult is Alive

Darkthrone - The Cult is Alive

If you read this column regularly (and I hope you do!), then you'll remember that I said that a record store liquidation can offer a chance for someone to discover bands and albums they never would normally touch. I picked this album out because someone I know fairly well from a message board had this album cover as their avatar. So seeing it in the store, I was drawn to it.

Black Metal. A genre born in England by Venom, more or less as a self-defecating joke, taken to insanely extreme and serious levels by Norwegians (for the better, I might add!), tends to get too serious at times, neglecting it's very roots. These roots include Venom, Black Sabbath, and even Blues. The Norwegian Black Metal scene has spawned an unholy union of all these, mixed in with the culture of it's surroundings. The saying is true; All art is a reflection of the times and world it is created in. Thus, a dark, foreboding genre of music is created.

I wanted to give you the history lesson because this album actually shows some respect to Venom in terms of style, and I had more fun listening to this black metal album than anything else released in the last 15 years! Yes, it is dark, it is very, as you kids say, "grimm", but it doesn't wallow around in itself. If anything, that annoys me to no end! It can be nice to get lost in an album, but not bored, and this album does nothing even close to that!

"The Cult of Goliath" instantly shows what I was talking about. To a point, I dare say there is some punk influences mixed in there (a-la Venom), continued on "Graveyard Slut", almost taking on a more Misfits-style. That is, if The Misfits played Black Metal. "Underdogs and Overlords" is more traditional Black Metal fare, the lyrics immediately taking stranglehold on the song while the guitars and drums pound away to a heavy black metal beat.. but sped up to a nice level to keep the album consistent! On the flip side, a listen to "Tyster På Gud" will make you think you just put on an album written by Black Flag.

If anything, this album shows that reinventing one's sound is not the worst thing in the world. It's hard to find many flaws in this album, although I'm sure their diehard fans who have been with them through all 11 albums will disagree. But for me this is my first album by the band and I plan on getting some of their older stuff.

This is a must-have album, and definitely one of the best black metal recordings in a long time.

4.5 out of 5!

Hanzel und Gretyl - Scheissmessiah!

Hanzel und Gretyl - Scheissmessiah!

FUKKEN UBER! If there was ever a band I was excited about because no one has heard of them, this is it! THIS is the band people need to start listening to because they just plain rock! I felt the same way about Mastodon in 2004, so that should tell you something right there! As an added bit of trivia, one of the former members of the Cycle Sluts from Hell, Venus Penis Crusher, aka Betty Kallas, is now Vas Kallas, the co-founder of the band. One listen to this album should shut down any rumors that the Sluts couldn't write a song, let alone play their instruments. But that's another day and another review.

Today, we are going to review Scheissmessiah!, which was released in 2004. Opening the album is a nice mellow track called "Lust". It mixes soothing, almost new-age sounds with a speech from some Evangelical preacher going on about hell. This, of course, is followed by "Fikk Dikk Mit Fire". This song barrels like a locomotive with pounding guitars, intense drums, and a chorus with a hook that is impossible to find anywhere else in Industrial Metal! Vas Kallas, the female singer, tears away at the track with a sample of a croud chanting behind her. It all reaches to a fantastic track, and a must-have for anyone who likes metal.

Taking a sample from "Ride of the Valkyries", "Kaiser Von Shizer" shoes what the rest of the album is; incredibly heavy industrial metal mixed in with a good sense of humor and some intense moments! The album isn't a non-stop serious-fit, nor is it a comedy disc. It's more the former than the latter, and it works to great dynamic appeal. The guitar work on this album is great and intense. The album pushes toward thrash and speed metal at times, otherwise sticking to indutrial stylings. The samples and effects are used to the same effect as the most skilled White Zombie tune. A track like "Burning Bush" is great for highlighting the humor of the band, specifically the samples of both a woman moaning and some rapper going "1,2,2,2,2,23!" On the opposite end, "Scheissway to Hell" is an example of dynamic songwriting by the band, showing a great ability of songwriting as well.

As for another headbanger, "And We Shall Purify" is definetly up there! As much as the reference is a pain to mention, yes, the band is similar to KMFDM in it's approach, but they take it to a level they can't, and that's just plain Fukken Uber Fun!

It's hard to nail down certain songs that stand out, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's an album you put on and you can enjoy it. It's not a bloated 72-minute epic, it isn't something that wallows in itself trying to find itself. It's an album that is going to make you laugh with Nazi imagey, great German lyrics, and an entertainment level that's incredibly high. Your not going to get bored and your going to agree when I say it's a great album.

4.2 out of 5!

Edguy - Rocket Ride

Edguy - Rocket Ride

It's tough to be me sometimes. Tower Records is going out of business, and since that day 2 months ago, I've been buying CD's like crazy! Hell, everything's at 30% off with an added 10% for today only, so I got about 20 for $200. Not too shabby.

If there's every a plus side to your favorite record store going under, it's this; You can take a chance and experiment with music you may never otherwise listen to. I know I wouldn't have been able to fully enjoy some artists like Black Label Society without a local store going under a while back.

But for now, we'll focus on Edguy's latest album, Rocket Ride.

It sucks.

I bought it mainly because the album looked cool as hell. Seriously, look at it! It looks like your about to get some insane album of... something! Thash metal, punk... something that will be entertaining at the very least! Instead, as I learned, Edguy is a power metal band. Formed when they were only 14 in 1995, their lead singer sounding very much like a close version of Bruce Dickenson at times.

It's not to say the album doesn't have it's moments. There's a constant feeling of an album bubbling, trying to reach a point where it can take the listener on the very "rocket ride" promised, but it never get's there. Not so much a fustrating listen then it is just a fair-day album, it is well below the level for an album I would really bother every listening to again.

2 Stars out of 5.